CRAZY with a Crrrr like in Spanish class!
by Alexa Wessner
Summary: What happens when Jabba realizes he is too fat and tries to go on a diet while trying to escape the evil Han Clan? Guess you have to find out.


Disclaimer- I don't own Star Wars so don't sue me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or Austin Powers or Fat Bastard  
  
CRAZY with a CRRRRRRR like in Spanish class!  
  
One day in his rat tat "apartment" Jabba realized he couldn't fit on his plus size toilet and couldn't let go of his waste. (You know poo poo!!)  
  
"I'm FAT yo!" Said the gigantic Jabba. "But maybe too Fat YO" (You think, really like we didn't know that already)  
  
Jabba took a walk down his sidewalk, well actually he can't walk so his plus size servants pulled him, well actually it wasn't the sidewalk in was also the whole street and the other sidewalk too. Jabba sucked in his enormous belly into more blubber! As Jabba was walking he saw Leia, Luke and Han walking down the Ghetto Street and wished he were as skinny as the three of them combined! (A/N- this is a really sad story, I am crying right now. Bo hoo! Accept I'm wondering why I'm crying because this story doesn't have any deceased in it, yet, and this is mad funny, lol, heheheheheheheheh)  
  
Jabba knew it was time to change when he saw Leia in her Slave Girl costume sucking in her enormous rolls too. He didn't want to end up like her. Also he didn't want to end up like Luke because in the Bacta Tank in Empire Strikes Back, Luke wore a dipper to cover well you know he looked a little heavy and Jabba knew he wasn't such a little stupid whiner like Luke is so he didn't need a dipper, Luke was also short though too, so it made him look fat. And he defiantly did not want to end up like Han either because he saw how fat his legs were in his tight spandex pants. Still the three of them combined were a hell of a lot skinnier then him.  
  
Jabba was never good on diets so Bulimia was his only solution. He tried barfing everywhere he went and everytime he ate food. But as Jabba did this he barfed on all three of them, yes Leia, Luke and Han to sickly amuse his fat guts. Hopefully if this kept up, his body would start to eat away at his fat as planned. As he went on he burned a hole in his windpipe from barfing too much. Now his only solution was Anorexia. But he wasn't able to keep it up because those little frogs were just too tempting for Jabba, you know he NEEDS to feed his fat. Now the four pounds he had lost turned to gaining ten pounds in the process of digesting those frogs.  
  
Jabba walked, well was pulled up to Leia, Luke, and Han. He said and I quote, "I'm gonna eat ya! I'm bigger then ya I'm higher in the food chain. GET IN MY BELLY!"  
  
"Ah, no." Said Leia with an attitude.  
  
"Jabba, I don't want to, It's not fair! I never gonna get Jabba's barf washed out of my precious hair!" Luke whined and with that he touched his "Precious" locks that he might have to cut off from the barf that is staining his girlish little hair on his stupid head which inside has small brain and a lot of empty space, well being so incredibly stupid as we all know Luke is!  
  
. Han says, "Jabba you can eat Luke if I don't have to pay you any money." Jabba agreed being so incredibly hungry. He Put Luke on a dish and specked salt all over Luke.  
  
"Ah! I got salt in my eyes," whined Luke crying. Jabba ate him. Luke died. Luke came back from the dead, like he always does in my stories. Jabba kept on trying to eat his rotted corpse, but he kept coming back to life. Jabba gave up and ate the Sacleous Crumb, you know the annoying animal that lives on his fat tail and sits and watches it all day, but occasionally eats it.  
  
Jabba decides to join weight watchers. He goes by the point system. He is supposed to eat a certain amount of points a day, which, different foods serve as different points. But Jabba had 48 times the amount of point he should eat. There for gained 94 lb.  
  
Jabba wanted to relax, so he jumped, well, no he can't jump, but he went on a plane to Hawaii to get away from the "Han Clan". AKA- Luke Han and Leia, Han being the leader because if you say his name with an accent like, H-A-A-N it rhymes with CLAN! Well that's my logic.  
  
Jabba boarded the plane. He sat in the plus size class were he saw many people the size of him. Well almost. The person next to him looked strangely familiar. That when he realized it FAT BASTARD from Austin Powers! That was his ideal! Jabba and Fat Bastard started a conversation and Fat Basterd really felt the pain to be that large. They were best buddies due to being so fat. That's when Fat Bastard suggested the SUBWAY diet just like Jarred! It worked wonders for him In Goldmember but sadly he gained the weight back. Jabba was inspired and was going to start the diet as soon as he got back toTatooine.  
  
When the plane landed, Jabba went to his hotel room, but needed a cup of sugar to put in his coffee so he decided to ask the people in the room next door. He knocked but when they answered he was surprised to see Luke, Leia and Han standing at the door. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jabba! They were everywhere! They were never going to leave him alone! (I just thought of a scary thought, Jabba doesn't wear clothes! Ew, Jabba's NAKED!)  
  
Jabba went to the pool at the resort and saw the Han Clan there! They were playing Marco Polo too! How annoying! To make matters worse, Luke was Marco and Han and Leia were Polo. Luke was screaming Marco so loud with his whiney squeaky voice it was driving Jabba insane. Being so stupid, Luke didn't even know that Han and Leia got out of the pool so Luke wouldn't get them and they were laughing hysterically at Luke who was desperately trying to find them. Jabba was now so pissed at Han and Leia's cackling like a wild giraffe getting eaten alive by pack of wild hyenas! Jabba grabbed Han and Leia by the hair and frustraitedly, if that's even a word, well, no but anyway pulled them into the pool on top of Luke until Han and Leia said owe, and Luke cried like a baby. Jabba then got too crazy and jumped on top of Luke drowning him and crushing him against the bottom of the 2 foot pool which Luke had trouble swimming in to begin with. Luke died and was now al torn up and bleeding from being scraped across the cement floor of the pool. Luke's dead body was now floating at the top of the pool. Sadly Luke came back to life. (Sniffle, sniffle! I am now crying! I wanted Luke to die but it didn't fit in with the story!)  
  
Jabba returned home on the plane next to Han, Luke and Leia who were sharing the plus size seat next to Jabba. Jabba was now very annoyed at the Han Clan because they were jumping up and down singing "I love rock and roll, put another dime in the jukebox, baby!" Of course they were also doing the traditional Macerena which is pretty traditional in my stories. Especially the Christmas, Halloween and the Plains Indian stories.  
  
When Jabba got home he immediately started the subway diet so he could be like Jared. In just four amazing weeks he was as skinny as a stick! He looked like a supermodel. The only thing was his head was still the same, pudgy size.  
  
Jabba decided to cut his enormous head in half. So that's what he did. Sadly he died. But there was something good about it. He died and since Luke never was going to die he would never have to deal with him ever again in Heaven. The bad thing is Han and Leia could die, but once they die they will no longer be annoying because in the Han Clan, it takes three to tango.  
  
Moral of this story- never do the Macerena!  
  
(A/N- That's it, short but hoped you liked it! Please review and tell me what you thought. If you liked the story please read more of my stories and I will be very thankful! Thanx!) ~Alexa~ 


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